I’ll be alright…
…just not tonight.
It goes in stages. At first, it hit me pretty hard. It didn’t crush me, but it did knock me down and force me to pull myself back up by my boot strings. And then there was a period of improved self-awareness. I was feeling great, and I wasn’t looking back. But like the cat, curiosity always gets the best of me and that’s both a good and a bad thing. Seeing what you don’t have is a part of life. However, it can also be painful in the early stages. Right now, it causes me to focus on the unrealistic conditionals of my preferred reality. In other words, I’m stuck on the what if’s. What if I wasn’t here? What if I were different? What if the level of my feelings were enough to impact his? As you can see, the further down the rabbit hole I travel, the more ridiculous these can get.
Why do I try to make it seem so close, when really it has always been so far? Why does the dream prove so much more appealing than reality? When will these feelings of mine ever go away? Or at least stop getting in the way of my forward progress? I don’t blame this fellow even a little bit, just like I don’t blame a mountain for being too high to climb. How I’m feeling is completely on me. I chose to try this, and I can choose to walk away.
As I quickly approach my 25th birthday, I blame myself above anyone else: for putting myself in this situation, for not trying hard enough (to climb every mountain, metaphorically), for having unrealistic expectations, for not taking more chances, and for feeling any amount of self-pity (stop it!). Usually I am firmly camped in the “alone, but not lonely” arena. However, at this moment, I’m stuck on “almost 25, unmarried, and childless.” I don’t even know if I want those things, but knowing that I don’t have them makes me wistful, so perhaps that means that I do.
Time for a positive non sequitur! I finished the orientation at my new job, and will now start working 1-3 shifts a week while I am in school. School doesn’t actually start for about 3 weeks, but I don’t want to overwork myself during one of the only breaks I’ve had so far in 2012. I’ve got a couple fun events in the upcoming weeks, including two parties, a concert, and a trip to see my favorite freshman hallmate (and sorority sister). So in order to enjoy those things and be the happy, positive person I am known to be, I’m going to take a break from mopey self-reflection and focus on all the great things about my life.
“I’ll be alright, once I find the other side of ‘someday.'” – Sara Bareilles