Oooh Yeah – Kool-Aid Guy
Probably, at some point you’ve all felt this way. That crazy feeling that you just can’t shake. You’ve got another person that you can’t get out of your mind, and you would sacrifice a great deal (maybe even everything) to be with them. Even if what you’re sacrificing is your plans for the future, it’s worth it because you think this person is all you could ever want. The only problem is either a) this person has no idea how you feel and/or b) this person does not feel the same way about you.
I can’t say that I’ve made any major sacrifices regarding my future, but I’ve definitely thought about drastic actions … and I’ve certainly spent a considerable about of my past thinking about the possibilities. Unrequited love is such an empty feeling, because you want with all your heart to be real, but you know in your mind that you’re in it alone.
I finally took the much needed step of admitting how I felt to the guy about whom I felt this way. It’s not a conversation that I wanted to have, but it turns out it was absolutely one that I needed to have. Interestingly, it was under predictable circumstances for this day and age … in the middle of the night, via text messaging (and then facebook chat when phones started to die). Surprisingly, of the two scenarios I laid out in the first paragraph, only b was true. Turns out he knew me better than I thought and had some suspicions of how I felt and what I was putting myself through to feel that way. Good thing, because leading questions at 3am were probably the only way I was ever going to admit it to him. And, like I said, it needed to happen.
Because see, here’s the problem: so much separates us, and so much time has passed that a romantic relationship is not only out of the question, it’s crazy that I thought I was sort of already in one (in an unrequited love sense). My heart wasn’t listening to reason, and was dragging me through the experience of loving someone who I don’t even know all that well and can never be with. Well, maybe it’s not completely true to say that I don’t know him well. But here’s the thing…to quote Doctor Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, “Ours is a relationship of the mind.” Sheldon was of course talking about Amy Farrah Fowler, but in a way it really rings true to me. He and I have a connection, but it is friendly and intellectual, not romantic and passionate. And I have no reason to suspect that it ever will be. And even if I did have reason to suspect, it does me no good to pin all of my hopes on a future hypothetical possibility. That’s like not working and just playing to lottery in the hopes that one day I’ll strike it rich.
The thing is, I’m wondering if any relationship is ever obviously happening at the right time and place, or if they all require a huge leap of faith. How much empirical evidence is required before I can feel justified in putting my heart out on the line? How few obstacles do there have to be before I can feel confident in going for the gold? Is it ever possible to know?
Here’s what I know for sure. I’ve channeled too much energy into imagining a future with this man, and I based it on no evidence that he wanted the same and ignored every obstacle in my path. That just doesn’t make sense. I also know that through all of this, even my sleep-deprived confessions, he has been a great friend to me. And the most heartbreaking thought in all of this is that he’s not asking me to change how I feel, so why have I been asking (not literally…maybe expecting is a better word) him to change how he feels?
I’ve got a great friend…and a friendship spanning 10 years…and that should really be enough for me. That’s the big breakthrough in all this (and the kool-aid reference in the title). I shouldn’t torture myself with what I don’t have, considering that what I do have is pretty great. I mean, he and I can talk about anything. Except my true feelings. Until now. I don’t know exactly why I felt the desire to put all that aside for some fantasy. But I think telling him was enough to check me back into the reality hotel; I hope I have a nice, long stay.