Fish Out Of Water

I am just flopping around this week like a suffocating fish.  I’ve never gone fishing myself, but I’ve seen it in the movies, and I have always felt dreadfully sad at the thought of a poor, caught fish flailing around.  Of course, the flailing is hardly the worst thing that’s going to happen to that fish, but he doesn’t know that yet.  To the suffocating fish, that moment is probably the worst thing he has experienced.  But soon, for one unlucky fish, it will be out of the frying pan and into the fire.

That about sums up how life is treating me right now.  And I am using the passive intentionally, because try as I might, I feel absolutely powerless to make a significant, positive impact on my environment.  Perhaps if all of these separate issues had come to my attention separately I would feel prepared to handle them.  Alone, each thing needs time and serious consideration, but together, the whole lot of it is suffocating me.  I don’t know where to turn, the whole world feels like my enemy, and much like my fishy friend, I am running out of time.

Don’t get me wrong, in my heart I know that I will make it to the other side of these obstacles.  But at the end, I may be battered and bruised, I may lose a lot, and my life may never be the same again.  I keep telling myself that other people have made it through worse than I have.  But I certainly don’t know anyone else who’s facing the particular mix of challenges that I am.  I don’t feel equipped to handle these, but does anyone ever feel like they have all the tools they need in the face of their problems?

I need hope, and I need it from within.  I need hope even more than I need encouragement.  Right now it feels like I am on a track that will lead to nothing but loss and despair, and I don’t know how to turn my train around without derailing it completely. 

I don’t know why I find it so cathartic to write when I am in extreme moods.  I look back over my previous writing and I see a roller coaster of emotion that hardly reflects my life accurately.  I know how to be calmly happy, and I also know how to be moderately sad without feeling like the world is ending.  But right now, it does feel like the world is ending.  More than that, I feel completely alone. 

And even worse than that, the majority of people I have brought into my confidence have not left me feeling any less alone.  It’s not because they don’t care or because I don’t trust them…  I think that in part, my friends are reflecting back my casually positive attitude, because that usually makes me feel better.  But this time, it’s different.  I feel like I simply cannot rely on anyone, and so I feel alone.


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