Well, guess what

I have a lot of feelings right now!  I am completely caught up in this twisted version of reality where I am between a rock and a hard place and a couple of spikes, and am about to be pulled down a black hole of emotional distress.  I’m stuck in a whirlpool (check out “WKUK Whirlpool (Live)” on YouTube) from which there is no escape!  Okay, that’s not true, but that’s how it feels at this very instant. AND LOOK, the skies above just opened and it’s pouring rain.  That’s especially great considering I dropped my phone in a glass of water last night and I am going to have to deal with getting a new one set up.

You know what stinks sometimes about life in general?  Most of us aren’t even reading the same book, so the chances we are on the same page with someone are nearly impossible!  I just want to be able to say things and have them be understood and not have any negative consequences.  Is that too much to ask?  Or better yet, if everyone could just be able to read my mind when it’s convenient for me, that would cut out all of the awkward trying-to-say-important-things times.  But I wouldn’t want them to be able to read my mind all of the time, because I think they might be terrified.  And by ‘they’ I mean everybody.

Since this is stream-of-consciousness style, I feel like I owe it to you to say that a few minutes have passed, and I have done some internet research that has put me on the yellow brick road to see at least one wizard.  My phone is not actually dead, but it does have water damage.  However, that does not appear to stop it from functioning normally, at least for the moment.  And while it is still hanging on, I decided to finally tackle the long-delayed task of figuring out how to back up my text messages.

I’m the kind of person who, if not kept in check, could end up hoarding stacks of newspapers.  I was talking with my friend Stacy last night about this, and I came to the realization that if it were possible to archive my entire life, from the shortest casual conversation to the longest heart-to-heart, I would do it.  I would keep all of the information stored in a closet somewhere, and I would be able to pull out a conversation I had on the night of March 14, 2009 and know exactly what words were exchanged.  I have also designed an impossible prototype (in my mind) of a camera that would be worn as a contact lens, and every time you blink it takes a photo!  Now, going through all those photos would be a disaster, BUT you would also capture some really great moments without having to stop and take out a bulky camera.

I want to archive everything because I am obsessed with forgetting things.  I get preoccupied with the present moment and let the past slip away.  And I know that’s how things are supposed to be, but I also know that in my perfect world, I would be able to have my present and keep the past, too!

So, that being said, I found a free app to save all my texts, and it appears to be working!  I’ve had this phone for about a year and a half, and I’ve exchanged 11,863 texts.  Is that a lot, or not very many?  Probably well over half of them belong to conversations with only a dozen different people.  I’ll be able to get more stats on this assuming it works properly and my phone doesn’t die in the process.  But even if the phone manages this task, I think I’m still going to go to the Verizon store and see about activating my backup phone.  It’s done 230 of them and it’s still plugging away!  Fingers crossed!

Just figuring that out makes me feel a lot better.  But honestly, things suck in general at the moment.  I feel trapped by the inability to do anything about my feelings.  This simultaneously applies to a half a dozen different life situations right now.  At every turn, it seems, I appeal to my sense of reason and make the decision to keep things to myself!  But pretty soon, if I can’t let some true things through my filter, I risk crumbling under the emotional burden.

It’s been perhaps 30 minutes more.  The phone/SMS process is taking a very long time, BUT it is also working, so no complaints!  I see a folder in my gmail where the texts are residing!  I hope that there is no conflict when I activate the new phone and try to use this program again.  I am also being an adult and getting help where I need it.  Tough times call for additional people in your corner.

So now I am about to take the ball of nerves that is my psyche right now and tie it up with a bow and work on doing the things I have to do.  This too shall pass, and until it does, I’m going to have to fake it til I make it.


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