Hit Me Hard

This week has sort of hit me like a train crashing into a brick wall.  I’ve been going and going and going and now I’ve come to a halt.  I accomplished a lot at the beginning of the week.  I cleaned my house like a maniac, ran all of my new-roommate errands, and visited with many of my friends.  I have even started working out again after my summer hiatus!  However, all of a sudden, lots of things have started going wrong.  My investments tanked, one of my websites got hacked (again), and my server company is dropping me, so I have to figure out a way to move all of my data to a new provider by October.  Great.

I feel like I’m drifting…  Like I have no purpose, no end-goal.  Like I’m not contributing to society, and like I’m not even moving myself forward.  All I’ve been doing is putting out fires and passing the time.  I feel woefully out of depth in my online work, and more than ever, I miss my mom.  I miss her creative solutions to any problem.  I miss her advice when I’m feeling down.  I miss her hugs and her comforting words.  My life is nowhere close to where I thought it would be, and that makes me feel out of control.  I’ve tried to deny the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but that’s the simple truth.  I don’t know what to do, I barely know how to figure it out, and I don’t understand what keeps going wrong.

I think this week it has hit me hard that I am alone.  Even though I have friends and far-away family, when it comes down to my survival, my success or failure, I am completely and utterly alone.  I have no safety net, no backup plan…  And I’m scared.  You’re not supposed to be 23 and without a mom to guide you.  It’s not fair.

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