Hit Me Hard
This week has sort of hit me like a train crashing into a brick wall. I’ve been going and going and going and now I’ve come to a halt. I accomplished a lot at the beginning of the week. I cleaned my house like a maniac, ran all of my new-roommate errands, and visited with many of my friends. I have even started working out again after my summer hiatus! However, all of a sudden, lots of things have started going wrong. My investments tanked, one of my websites got hacked (again), and my server company is dropping me, so I have to figure out a way to move all of my data to a new provider by October. Great.
I feel like I’m drifting… Like I have no purpose, no end-goal. Like I’m not contributing to society, and like I’m not even moving myself forward. All I’ve been doing is putting out fires and passing the time. I feel woefully out of depth in my online work, and more than ever, I miss my mom. I miss her creative solutions to any problem. I miss her advice when I’m feeling down. I miss her hugs and her comforting words. My life is nowhere close to where I thought it would be, and that makes me feel out of control. I’ve tried to deny the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but that’s the simple truth. I don’t know what to do, I barely know how to figure it out, and I don’t understand what keeps going wrong.
I think this week it has hit me hard that I am alone. Even though I have friends and far-away family, when it comes down to my survival, my success or failure, I am completely and utterly alone. I have no safety net, no backup plan… And I’m scared. You’re not supposed to be 23 and without a mom to guide you. It’s not fair.