I’m not sure why I’ve been writing so often in this blog, but I’ve really had a lot on my mind, so this is the natural by-product of that predicament.
I’ve recently done a lot of “catching up” with people – whether it’s reconnecting with old friends or meeting new people. And of course, with that kind of interaction, you have to *explain* yourself to a certain degree. People are always asking me how I’m doing, what I’ve been up to, and what my plans are. And I don’t have simple answers to any of those questions.
How have I been doing? I’ve been getting by. My life is a little overwhelming, yet stagnant, on a day-to-day basis, but that’s in stark contrast to a lot of fun “events” that fill my life as well. Basically, when I don’t have plans to do anything specific, I just end up sitting around and procrastinating on my big projects. I mean, I’m doing it right now by writing this, but this is at least a step up from playing online games. I’m trying to accept what I do so that I can work to change it.
What have I been doing? I long for the day when I can answer that question with “I work here, I do this.” Plain and simple. But telling people that I work one day a week at the store my mom used to own, and spend the rest of my time working on my mom’s other business (internet marketing, though even that is an oversimplification). And that I’m looking for another job. And that I don’t have a regular schedule. And that I’m still figuring things out. Sometimes I just tell people that I’m looking for a job, because it seems easier, and it is true.
The worst part is when people knew that I was in California for two months. Because they have no idea what I was doing there, and when I explain NCCC, it only leads to more questions. I like talking about my time in AmeriCorps, but that inevitably leads to the discussion of why I left, and what I’m doing here right now. I don’t like to tell people I’ve just met about my mom, because then the conversation becomes all about me and how I’m doing. And I really don’t like telling old friends about it because they’re shocked they didn’t know sooner, and then I feel guilty for not telling them. And they are more likely to know that I am an only child, and my mom was divorced, and I didn’t know my father, and I don’t have any family here where I live.
But the thing is … despite all of the strikes against me, I am getting by. I have great friends near me. I am able to jump over many hurdles, just not all of them. I am able to be happy, just not all the time. I think that’s the main issue. While I certainly have some challenges and struggles, I am doing pretty okay. And I almost feel guilty for doing okay, because maybe I should be more sad. But at the same time, while I am doing okay, that doesn’t mean I don’t need people. I know I just spent most of this entry complaining about the questions people ask me and how I don’t have simple answers. But I think that’s mostly coming from strangers or long-lost friends. From the people close to me, I sometimes feel like I need more than I’m getting. Maybe I don’t. It’s all so complicated.
My sadness is mixed in with my desire for independence, and that in turn is mixed in with my frustration at not having a definite plan for my life. What am I doing in the future? I don’t know. Hopefully living a life filled with happiness, working at a job that I enjoy, and seeing good friends frequently.
In the past year, I graduated from college and was thrown into the real world. I lived at home for the summer and worked in the store. I traveled all the way across the country for a new job, only to be ripped away from there after two short months. I had four wonderful and emotional months with my mom, and I have had three complicated months since she passed away. There is NOTHING simple about my life. But I try to make it simple. I think maybe I just need more hugs (as per the earlier post). All you need is love, right?